Why I'm on this trip

A peek into my inner world.

It’s not “smart” for me to be on this trip right now. Financially, family-wise, health-wise, too – the smart thing was to stay home.

But the thing is, I’ve always been the smart girl. The sick girl. The only child. The idea girl. The quirky girl. The independent girl. The strong girl.

I’m over the strong self-association with these labels and I’m really over being all of those things all the damn time.

I don’t think I’m getting a sibling at the ripe age of 33, so I can keep the Only Child thing because it’s a fact reality. It’s also what has given me a lot of the other labels.

I’ve always been a team of one and my parents are older and separated when I was young – I’ve been fending for myself for a really long time. At 11 months old I had my first brush with an anaphylactic life-threatening allergic reaction, by 4 I had an ear infection one too many times in a row and had tubes put in my ears, by 5 terrible eczema, and by 8 full-blown asthma. At 33, I still have all of those issues (although the tubes have gone), have Crohn’s Disease (which I likely had at 8), have been to the ER way too many times, had to be quarantined far before COVID, and have had five (or is it six or seven) cases of bad COVID (the first that left me with a life-altering condition called MCAS), to name a few. Exhausting! Over it! Are you there, God? It’s me, Marissa.

Being a sick girl sucks! Labeling creates reality, so let’s take that straight off the table. It doesn’t partner well with Only Child or how I’ve been my whole life. A natural leader, I hate to say.

Which leads me to the whole independent thing.

This is one I struggle with. Because, in my gut, I know it’s my biggest superpower and my biggest downfall. I can do more than most and I almost always do it alone, easily. In my family, in work, in friendships, in anything I can do from home. That’s the downfall part. Being highly independent easily makes a homebody out of an only child who was raised to not bore easily.

But then, my independence is what has given me every aspect of my career. It’s what must be a main factor in the fact that all of my friends are old, ride-or-die friends. It’s what gives me the ability to travel solo easily and joyfully, and thus, to have Happy Hoteling.

And mostly, my struggle with the concept of independence right now comes down to one thing. My dad gave me the world and I am my dad’s world and my world was turned upside down when he fell and broke his hip just after my 30th birthday. I had been playing parent since I was pre-pubescent, but it went into overdrive the past few years. By force. I would do absolutely anything to have a sibling to share the burden with. Because as much as I love my dad, the circumstances have not been easy and it’s been year after year of hurdle after hurdle and I am just burnt out on jumping.

So I think it’s just about keeping the word independent separate from the word girl. I am independent, but I want and need help. Please and thank you!

The Quirky Girl is me and I am her. Happily. Really, I prefer the word eccentric, but quirky is absolutely not incorrect. I wouldn’t be me if people thought I were normal, and I have no interest in starting a new identity now when I like who I am and I’ve known who I am since such a young age.

Ok, we’ve gotten a lot sorted.

Only Child, yes, by default. A Quirky Girl, who’s independent.

We have idea girl and strong girl left to discuss.

Let’s start with the former. This is the same with quirky. I am a girl with a lot of ideas that come naturally to me. I like that about me, and it always serves me well. No downsides.

Idea Girl is out to play. If anything, let’s push her to the front. That’s the aspect of smart I want to embrace.

Strong girl is really tired of being strong, at this particular moment in time. I have been doing a lot of both daughtering and parenting (my parents) and decision making and following up and re-routing and I’m at the end of my rope. This Fall, I’ve had a weird lung condition that I get from time-to-time and a gnarly stomach bug that lingered far too long. My rope is slowly disintegrating.

But that’s ok. Because I am an Only Child. A quirky, idea girl who’s independent.

And I know that there’s one place and one scenario in which case all of these attributes come together and get to shine most bright – traveling to…Italy! Shocker. Documenting it through my eye and privileged understanding of Italy, and most of all, writing about it.

And now, because I’ve decided to go all in on Happy Hoteling, this is my job. Somehow, you or the cosmos or the algorithm has noticed, and Happy Hoteling has become a full-fledged business. I make a meager income, but I make more than I did after my first two post-grad raises, I’m feeling fueled.

And full of ideas! And bursting with a desire to just BE ME. A privileged thought, I’m well aware. But a human one, too.

My rational brain knows I should be home attending to a million things that need attending to and money should be saved. But my heart is sick of being the smart girl all the damn time. Idea Girl wins!

Because I am an only child, I do believe in myself. And it brings me to tears to think about the fact that all of you do too.

Thank you to all my mentors along the way who pushed me to the front of the crowd. I try, every day, to make you proud.

Thank you to every eye reading, for choosing to spend your time and money here and now. Your belief allowed me to believe I can pull this off – my wildest dream.

With so many odds against my favor right now, being on this trip is one of them. It’s not smart, but it’s what my spirit needed to keep going in all the ways I need to. A travel writer will always seek what they need, far away from home.

To be frank, I was on the fence about canceling the trip, and then I watched Yes Theory’s latest video in a 2-part series about a 102 year old woman, Dorothy, who lives in the retirement community in my hometown. It was on her bucket list to visit all 7 continents, and she had been to 6 (including Antactica), but never Australia. Yes Theory took her Down Under, and her disposition and youthful wisdom gave me my new motto: “You could either rust out or wear out. I’m going to wear out.”

And I’m going to do it at the most special hotels throughout the world, with you at home to share the stories with.

Thank you for being here. Thank you to every single paid subscriber who has inspired and then enabled this to be my career. It is, in fact, very rewarding when you love what you do.

xx Your Penpal,

Marissa

P.S. I know I wasn’t supposed to work, but I had time and felt inspired and compelled and here we are.

P.P.S. I will be posting on a time delay, for safety.